The Four and a Half Teachings of Dave

Hello disciples.  I’m glad to have you here visiting my humble blog, where we will begin our spiritual journey into aspects of existence that you have never even imagined.  I am your spiritual guide, your Magi, and your friend.   After 26 years of tireless meditation, I bring to you my four and a half teachings, the beginning of Daveism, soon to be the most popular unknown and unpracticed religion to be unknown and unpracticed in the Western Hemisphere (my religion seems to be anti Eastern Hemisphere, for reasons that I need not go into here, except to say it’s an issue of semantic and semiotics, and the word Eastern just rubs me the wrong way.  Not to say that Western rubs me the right way, it is just more pleasing in its rubbing fashion.  Eastern is just not a very tidy word.  Ay, there’s the rub.) Anyway… Join me, O searchers for truth.First Teaching: We are all connected in our disparities.  We commune in our separation. We are existential in our hopefulness. Red meat is bad for us. However, buffalo wing flavored pretzel bites are the food of the gods.

Second Teaching: Two legs bad, Four legs good, Three legs painful.

Third Teaching: Pickup lines rarely work.  However, pickup lines written down on 100 dollar bills usually do the trick.

Fourth teaching: What if God was one of us?  Just a slob like one of us? Well, then he’d probably be on anti-depressants, would want a shower and would be in need of a personal maid.  The expression “A Good Man Is Hard To Find” is commonly used. This is bogus, not bubbly. A good French maid, however, is quite hard to find.  They just don’t make ‘em like they used to.

Fourth and half teaching:  Never compliment anybody. If you do, they start expecting you to be nice to them and to keep complimenting them. And thinking up new compliments starts to get really fucking hard. “I like your hair,” “cool shoes”, “damn, you fine!” only go so far.  After a while, your complimentee will decide that you, the complimenter, are only saying nice things in order to get what you want, which is the case, of course. Therefore, we advise you to be a jerk to everyone, so that they never expect any niceness from you. You’ll find people love jerks, and you’ll be just fine. 

Let us pray,

Dear (insert preferred deity here), we ask thee for forgiveness. We have sinned. We have not followed Dave’s teachings. But from now on we will, mostly because we’re hoping to find a good French maid (or manservant for those who prefer their French cleaning help to be male), but also because we want spiritual fulfillment, and by spiritual fulfillment, we mean free beer.  And pretzel bites.  Snyders of Hanover is best.

Amen, brothers. (And sisters. We are not Sexist in the Dojo of Dave.)

 

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